Insanity Island
by Lupe-3.14
Summary: Characters from LOTR, POTC, Matrix, and Hellboy get marooned on a desert island, along with Lupe the insane one and a whole lot of voles. Insanity reigns supreme here.... who will survive? NOW with new, easier-to read chapters thanks to much editing!
1. In which we meet many characters

G'day, mates! This is something that I've been working on in my spare time  
for my own amusement. It's basically if a bunch of characters from movies  
I like, and my own character Lupe, got stuck on a desert island. It's very  
insane but some people say it's funny!

Disclaimer: I own squat. Don't sue.

THE CHARACTERS: (they show up at different times in the story, so theyaren't all in the first chapter)

Matrix  
Neo  
Morpheus  
Trinity  
Twin One  
Twin Two

LOTR  
Gandalf  
Frodo  
Legolas

Pirates of the Carribean  
Jack Sparrow

Hellboy  
Hellboy  
Abe Sapien  
Kroenen (knife-weilding dude in the mask)

my own twisted mind  
Lupe (the idiot who drives everyone insane)  
The UFO-obsecced vole (you'll see.....)

CHAPTER 1  
IN WHICH WE MEET MANY CHARACTERS AND A PARANOID VOLE  
  
Captain's Log of the Black Pearl

_ June 10, 2004  
Wind good today. Warm and sunny.  
Picked up some passengers today. Found them floating on a refrigerator in  
the middle of the ocean, along with a very unhappy penguin and a few  
bottles of nail fungus medication. They include a girl with sunglasses  
(Trinity), two identical guys with dreadlocks (they call themselves Twin  
One and Twin Two), a guy who looks like a fish (Abe), a big guy with red  
skin and a stone hand (Hellboy?), a very quiet guy in a gas mask (Abe says  
he's called Kroenen), and a teenaged girl who seems to be the leader  
(Lupe). None of them would say how they got there, exept for Lupe, who  
described it as "A fishing trip gone terribly wrong." Once on the ship,  
they proceeded to raid the mini-fridge and eat all my bagels.  
We're out of rum. _

_June 11, 2004  
Kroenen and the Twins got into a knife-fight with some crew members, and  
won.  
Trinity and Lupe built a Playstation 2 out of some old boards and a tonail  
clipper.  
I was extrememy seasick.  
Still no rum. _

_June 12  
SOMEBODY ate all my Cheese Nips. I suspect Hellboy. He looks suspicious.  
Abe won the poker tournament. He has my compass now.  
Why can't we stop for rum?_

_ June 13  
My crew marooned me and the new guys on a deserted island. They claimed I  
coudln't be on the ship unless I did laundry duty too. I'm the captain, I  
shouhldn't have to do laundry duty! Shows what they know.  
I'm still not sure why the new guys got marooned. Something about a  
pelican and a boom box.  
Do you suppose there's any rum here?_

"Well," said Lupe, leaning back against a palm tree, "here we are." Nobody bothered to reply, because a very important game of tic-tac-toe  
between Trinity and Jack Sparrow was in progress. As the spectators  
watched, Trinity proudly drew a line through her three X's and smiled  
smugly. Sparrow cursed and started another game, which immidiately came to  
an end because he was hit on the head by a falling coconut and knocked  
unconcious. Lupe sighed and wandered off across the sandy beach, leaving a trail of  
footprints behind. A small vole crouching in the bushes would later see  
the footprints and believe them signals from a giant alien vole. He would  
then tell the other voles and be laughed out of town by them. This would  
be especially harsh since voles don't have towns.

Lupe, of course, had no way of knowing this, primarily since she didn't  
know there were any voles on the island in the first place.

Meanwhile, the tic-tac-toe games were heating up. Sparrow had regained  
conciousness, only to be beaten twice in a row. It looked like Trinity's  
days were numbered, judging from his expresssion.

Abe had other concerns. There were no rotten eggs on the island, or any  
other food at all, for that matter. The coconuts were highly inedible and  
he didn't know how to catch voles. He was devising a plan for a vole trap  
when Lupe arrived back at the scene.

"What's up, Abe?" she said, sitting down in the sand (preciciely on top of  
the sketch for the vole trap).  
"Oh," Abe muttered, "I'm just worried about food. There's no water,  
berries, or ANYTHING!"  
"Abe," Lupe said, "you're forgetting something. This island is on the  
planet Earth, right?"  
"I would like to think so," he replied.  
"And, as you should know, practically every flat surface on Earth has one  
certain thing."  
"Air?"  
"Close, but no. A Starbucks."  
Abe smacked his forehead. "Dang! But where is it?"  
"That," Lupe said, "is what we are going to find out."  
  
The motley gang was assembled beneath a spread of palm trees. Lupe and Abe  
stood at the front. Lupe was waving a large pink and white conch shell.  
"So the plan is," she yelled, "We split up and search the island until we  
find a Starbucks. Then we come back here and give everyone else the  
directions. Any questions?"  
"Yes," one Twin yelled, "What if there isn't a Starbucks?"  
"You're telling me that there's actually a space on this planet WITHOUT  
one?" Lupe countered.  
"Um, right," the Twin said, sinking back into the crowd.  
"Anything else?"  
"Um," Trinty spoke up, "What's with the conch shell?"  
"I found it. Whoever has the conch is the leader and has the right to  
speak. I read it in a book."  
"Did it work?"  
"Um...... no." Lupe shrugged and threw the conch over the crowd, where it  
hit Jack Sparrow in the head, knocking him unconcious for the second time  
that day. "Everybody ready? Then let's go!"

Abe and Hellboy ran off to the east.

The Twins stuck together and walked off to the west.

Trinity, dragging Jack by one arm, walked to the south, then realized that  
there was nothing there except the ocean and elected to go north.

Lupe got stuck with Kroenen, and they went north-north-west for lack of a  
better direction.

Within the span of an hour, the following people did the following things:  
Abe found a vole, examined it, and then put it down. The vole ran back  
into town to tell the others that he had REALLY seen an alien this time.  
He was laughed out again.  
Hellboy was hit in the head with monkey feces.  
The Twins found a patch of quicksand and managed to get out by phasing.  
They decided that the island was too dangerous and spent the rest of the  
time carving graffiti into a palm tree with their switchblades.  
Jack Sparrow regained conciousness four times and was knocked unoncious  
again four more times: twice by falling coconuts, once by a very large  
beetle that flew into his head, and once by Trinity, who got sick of him  
asking for rum.  
Trinity found a K-Mart but decided not to tell anyone.  
Kroenen, who appeared to be plotting something, doodled furiously on a  
scrap of paper without looking where he was going and walked into a tree.  
Lupe, after walking in circles for a while, finally found the Starbucks.  
She then realized she had no money to buy anything and rapidly counterfited  
some using tree bark and squid ink.

Several minutes later, everyone was happily sitting in chairs made from non-  
endangered, environmentally safe hardwood and sipping Frappachinos that had  
been served to them by a team of highly inteligent monkeys who appeared to  
run the place. Jack Sparrow was concious again and was yelling at the  
monkeys because they didn't have any rum.  
  
When night came, it found Trinity and Lupe swimming by moonlight on the  
beach. (they had brought swimsuits) Jack Sparrow was nearby, unconcious  
again for reasons that would take too long to explain but involved a pair  
of binoculars and a bowl of petunias.  
Back at the Starbucks, everyone else had found some sleeping bags and was  
getting ready to go to sleep.  
"'Night," Abe murmured.  
"'Night," the Twins answered in unison.  
Hellboy growled something incomprehensible and rolled over, hitting the  
wall and knocking a bottle of corn syrup off the shelf.  
Kroenen said nothing as usual, but put a record of opera music on the  
restaurant's handy record player and sat down to listen. Abe sighed and  
plugged his ears. Hellboy chose a different method.  
"KROENEN! SHUT THAT DAMN OPERA MUSIC OFF!" he bellowed, leaping up and  
upsetting several more bottles of corn syrup. Kroenen sighed and took the  
opera record off. Then a monkey jumped up and put on a new one that played  
rock music. Very loud rock music.  
The Twins heard this, jumped up, and started to air-guitar along with the  
music. A monkey hung up a disco globe and set up a strobe light. Abe,  
head in hands, retreated to another, safer room as Jack Sparrow leaped in  
through a window and demanded some rum. He then crumpled to the floor as a  
Frappachino hit him in the head.  
Trinity and Lupe barged in through the door and started to dance to the  
music. The monkeys started break-dancing. Hellboy decided to go along with  
it and danced too, since there was no way he could get any sleep. Kroenen,  
who didn't want to dance, got out his blueprints again and started working  
on them by strobe light. The end result of all this was a massive headache  
for Kroenen, who got very mad at the monkeys and started slashing at them  
with his swords until he was subdued by Hellboy and the Twins and tied up  
with a rope made from drinking-straw covers.

Outside the Starbucks, a vole with a video camera was recording "proof  
positive of a flying saucer invasion." 


	2. In which an escape attempt fails miserab...

CHAPTER 2  
IN WHICH AN ESCAPE ATTEMPT FAILS MISERABLY  
  
Lupe's eyes opened to the sound of hammering and clanging metal. She sat  
up and found she was lying on the Starbucks counter with a handmade Amish  
quilt draped over her. And she was still wearing her swimsuit.  
The floor of the Starbucks was occupied by a huge sheet of paper covered in  
complicated drawings, multiple socket wrenches, a dismantled clock, the  
sleeping form of Jack Sparrow, and several unconcious monkeys.  
Lupe groaned and slid off the counter, impaling her foot on a strange  
device made from coffee cups and paper clips. As she hopped around  
clutching her bleeding foot and swearing, she tripped over a monkey  
carrying a cardboard box and three large salmon. The monkey dropped the  
box, ran in panic, and smashed into a partially dismantled bird cage.  
  
Right about then, Kroenen walked in and started impaling random objects for  
no reason whatsoever. Lupe did the smart thing and ran quickly outside,  
where she bonked into an enormous metal gyroscope that Abe was working on  
with a sautering iron.  
  
"Where did that come from?" she said. Abe shrugged and continued to  
sauter, which is a very funny word.  
  
Kroenen walked out of the Starbucks carrying several batteries and a  
handful of parrot feathers; these were given to Twin Two, who began  
inserting them into an engine of some sort. Trinity showed up next; she  
was carrieng a the remote control from a TiVo and a fried Twinkie.  
  
"What in the world is this?" Lupe asked Abe, who had stopped sautering and  
walked over.  
"According to Kroenen, it's a modified version of Project Rangna Rok. It  
will open a portal that we can go through to get off this island and back  
to civilization."  
"Project who?"  
"It doesn't matter. It'll just get us home."  
Lupe nodded and sat down to watch as Hellboy tinkered with a tripod made  
from paper clips and tounge depressors, occasionally consulting one of  
Kroenen's blueprints. So that's what he had been planning, Lupe thought.  
Kroenen wandered around the construction site, smacking anyone who wasn't  
building their thing quite right. This resulted in a lot of people  
throwing things at him. This resulted in Kroenen whipping out his blades  
again. And THAT resulted in mass hysteria which led to people running in  
all directions.  
  
Durring all of this, the monkeys took it upon themselves to finish the  
gyroscope thing and start it up.  
  
The gyroscope made a noise like a robotic sheep being sucked into a vaccum  
cleaner. Everybody stopped in their tracks and looked up as blue,  
crackling light covered the entire thing and began to open into the portal.  
  
Before anybody could jump through it, though, a lot of things happened very  
quickly:  
  
Twenty-nine bean burritos fell through the portal onto the sand.  
Sixty-seven paper cranes fell through, were caught by the wind, and got  
blown all the way to France.  
A man who looked a little like William Shakespeare and a little like "Wierd  
Al" Yancovic jumped out, looked around, and jumped back in again very  
quickly.  
An Easter Island stone head flew through and soared into the sky like a  
rocket.  
A short guy, a tall guy, and a guy in a pointy hat fell through and hit  
their heads on the ground.  
A ham and cheese baguette flew through at high speeds and knocked Jack  
Sparrow unconcious.  
And a monkey hit the button to shut the whole thing off.  
  
All of this happened in a span of about six seconds. The island was  
covered in burritos and paper cranes, and everyone's hair was sticking up.  
(Except for Kroenen, who was wearing a helmet, and Abe, who didn't have any  
hair in the first place.)  
  
"Well," Lupe said, "That went better then expected."  
  
Right about then, the Easter Island head fell back down and flattened the  
gyroscope completely.  
  
Everybody was at a loss for words and stood around staring at each other  
for a while until the dude in the pointy hat stood up and said, "Who are  
you?"  
  
"Um.... I'm Lupe," Lupe said.  
"Twin One."  
"Twin Two."  
"Trinity"  
"Hellboy"  
"Abe"  
"Zzzzzzzzzz......"  
"That's Jack Sparrow," Trinity explained. "And the silent dude in the mask  
is Kroenen, and everybody else here is probably a monkey."  
"Ah," the dude in the pointy hat said. "I'm Gandalf. These are Frodo and  
Legolas. Where are we exactly?"  
"We're on a deserted island. It has a Starbucks." Lupe said.  
"Hm," Gandalf said. "What, exactly, is a 'Starbucks?'"  
"You don't know?!?!?! Well, then, we'll have to show you." Lupe dragged  
Gandalf off to the Starbucks, and everyone else stood around some more  
until the author got bored and ended the chapter. 


	3. In which more horribly chilched escape a...

CHAPTER 3  
IN WHICH MORE HORRIBLY CLICHED ESCAPE ATTEMPTS ARE MADE

After four days of drinking Frappachinos, holding late-night disco parties,  
and lying around doing practically nothing, the castaways decided to get  
rescued. After sixty-four minutes of brainstorming, the only thing anyone  
could come up with was a message in a bottle, so they went with that.  
The biggest challenge was writing the message (on tree bark with squid  
ink), as you can see:The first message was completely illegible because Lupe wrote it while high  
on caffine and her hand was all jittery.The second message was also illegible because Abe wrote it underwater and  
that made the ink run.The third message was highly legible, but nobody could read it because  
Kroenen wrote it in German.The fourth message was legible AND in English. Unfortunately, before  
Legolas could finish writing it, it was eaten by a monkey.The fifth message was written by Trinity while Gandalf and the Twins fended  
off the monkeys with drinking straws. It read:_HELP! We are trapped on a deserted island and everybody is high on  
caffine. Please rescue us. Bring nachos.__   
  
_Everyone agreed this was a good message, so they decided to send it out.  
Then they realized that there weren't any bottles around, so they had to  
settle for an empty Frappachino cup. Hellboy threw the cup far out to sea,  
where it hit a highly suprised sperm whale on the head before floating out  
into the distance.Everybody stood around staring at it for a while before they realized they  
had better things to do and wandered off across the island to occypie  
themselves with other stuff.Frodo and Jack Sparrow salvaged the remains of the giant gyroscope and  
began to build a brewery to make rum and wine, to the annoyance of  
everybody else.The Twins build guitars out of driftwood and played them all the time,  
which, combined with the brewerey, drove everybody else absolutely insane.Several days later, Trinity realized that they had forgotten to say where  
the island was in their message, primarily because nobody knew. She and  
Abe dismantled the brewery and built a GPS out of its components. The GPS,  
after whirring and clinking for a while, assured them that they were on the  
planet Venus, and showed them a picture of Mars just to prove its point.  
Trinity threw a Frappachino at it.Several minutes later, Lupe and Kroenen dismantled the GPS and built a  
record player to replace the old one, which Hellboy had smashed. The  
record player did nothing but look silly and occasionall make a noise like  
a cow with diharea, so they took it apart and built a pool table instead.The rest of the time was spent arguing over how to get rescued. The Twins  
had the bright idea of lighting the island on fire so any planes passing  
overhead would notice it. They almost did it, too, before Gandalf threw  
them off a cliff. Frodo decided the cliff was dangerous, so he marked it  
with a sign that said, "CLIFF." Jack Sparrow liked that idea and went  
around putting signs on everything until Trinity hit him over the head with  
one of them. ("GRAIN OF SAND #773,947")Meanwhile, the Frappachino cup floated on to Easter Island, where it was  
promptly flattened by a falling stone head.Nothing else of interest happened for the next few days, except Lupe got  
really, really, really high on coffee and ran around in circles until she  
hit a tree, and the voles invented the wheel. 


	4. In which some really extreme sports are ...

CHAPTER 4

IN WHICH SOME REALLY EXTREME SPORTS ARE PLAYED

At 4:00 in the morning on a day that Trinity claimed was Tuesday and  
everybody else said was Friday, everybody was abruptly woken up by Frodo  
screaming, "ORCS!!!!!" By the time everybody came their senses, Trinity had almost shot Legolas's  
head off, Legolas had almost shot Gandalf with an arrow, the Twins had  
nearly cut each other's throats by accident, and Kroenen had impaled a  
suspiciously orc-shaped chair many, many times with his swords. It was  
then revealed that Jack Sparrow had painted Frodo's sword blue as a  
practical joke. He had to run very fast to aviod being killed. When all of this was over, there was no chance of anybody getting back to  
sleep, so they decided to stay awake and start weaving a volleyball net out  
of seaweed. This wasn't as pointless as it might seem, because Hellboy had  
found a volleyball floating in the sea a few days earlier. By the time the  
sun came up, the net was errected in the sand, and the game was about to  
begin. Trinity served and hit Jack Sparrow in the head with the volleyball, but  
she didn't get a point because it bounced back over the net. Legolas  
spiked it over, but Frodo managed to hit it back. Trinty caught it and hit  
it to to Kroenen, who hit it to Gandalf, who hit it to Lupe, who hit it to  
Twin Two, who hit it back to Trinity, who hit it over the net to Jack  
Sparrow, who missed because he was unconcious. Trinity cheered and did a  
victory dance that involved lots of war whoops and throwing things in the  
air. Lupe wandered over and picked up the volleyball, but she was bowled  
over by a large hairy man who came running out of the forest. "WILSON!!!!!" the man screamed. He grabbed the volleyball and ran back  
into the forest very quickly before anyone could stop him. Everybody stared at him in shock for a while. "Well," said Lupe, because  
there wasn't anything else better to say. Trinity said nothing, but rubbed at her eye because there was sand in it. Everyone else wandered around aimlessly until they walked into things, at  
which point they sat down and rubbed their heads for a while. Several hours later, Gandalf took down the volleyball net and tried to use  
it to catch fish. It was eaten by a shark.  
  
Sometime in the next few days, Lupe decided that life on the island was  
much too boring. After the demise of the volleyball net, they hadn't done  
any sports for a while, leading to intense laziness. Lupe wanted to cure  
this, so she organized a race around the island. It was an extremely long  
race with no fixed course at all. It also had an extremely long and  
strange set of rules that Lupe, Kroenen, and Legolas collaberated on. This  
mean that rules 1-304 were in English and rules 305-698 were in German,  
with the exceptions of rules 3, 16, 4 1/2, 29, 478, and 674.2, which were  
in Elvish or occasionally French. The race began with an extremely long and pointless opening ceremony that  
featured the Twins on their guitars and Gandalf playing a kazoo. The only  
other interesting thing about it was Hellboy wore a top hat made from  
several coconuts. Then a gun (Trinity's) was fired, and the race began.  
Frodo took off straight ahead and ran into a tree. He was officially out  
of the race, according to Rule #7 (_No running into trees and/or shrubs.  
Bushes are fine, though_). Trinity opted for a zigzag course that led her on a roundabout path through  
the forest. She got very lost and eventually wound up back at the starting  
line again. She was officially out of the race, according to rule #206  
(_You can only visit the starting line once in a race, unless you have to  
use the bathroom or are driving a Volkswagen, in which case it's okay_). Kroenen went through the forest too, cutting down anything in the way with  
his knives. He got lost, but he discovered a Chinese restaurant, sat down,  
and ordered some General Tso's Chicken. This was against rule #117 (_No  
ordering Chinese food without sharing it_). So he was out of the race too. Legolas stuck to the beach and ran all the way around the island very  
quickly, so he got to the finish line first. He would have won, but the  
judges (Gandalf and the Twins) said he had broken Rule #593 (_Es ist  
ungültig, Pfannkuchen zu essen während im Rennen, egal was_). This was one  
of the German rules, so nobody knew what it said, but they all agreed that  
Legolas must have broken SOME rule and that one was as good as any. Several minutes later, Kroenen returned carrying a giant bag of Chinese  
food. The race was immidiately abandoned as all the people mobbed him and  
then chowed down on sweet and sour chicken. _(note: If you want the complete list of race rules, leave $10 in a paper  
bag under the oak tree in the park. Then tell the man in the green trench  
coat, "The oyster wears an excelent wristwatch." He'll know what to do.)_


End file.
